Can you, will you understand?

There are times when I wish something, ANYTHING in my life had a simple answer or solution, but then it wouldn’t be my life would it? There’s the saying “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” and if that’s the case then I must be one REALLY strong woman….right? Doesn’t feel that way most of the time and honestly there are times when I wish I didn’t have to be so strong! Wanting with every fiber of my being to give up and desperately needing to fall apart, but it’s not an option and sometimes it really sucks!

Life continues to challenge me in every way imaginable and just when I seem to have found balance, calm and the belief that I can do this, something comes along and turns everything upside down again. As I settled into my new “normal” and began to focus on my roll as a new mom I finally felt that I was OK and was able to adjust to new medications and have mental calm after a really rough time. Shortly after my last blog, I discovered that we were once again expecting and to say I was shocked would be putting it lightly! I felt something was going on and began to worry and was having unmistakable signs that I oh so clearly remember from the first time! When the day of my expected cycle showed up, I knew in my gut that it wouldn’t  and the morning after I made the trip to the bathroom and there it was, 2 lines on the first response! 3 positive tests later (yes, I’m that woman) and the words PREGNANT showing up on the 4th test, a digital in big bold letters confirmed it! I can’t do birth control because of a blood clotting disorder and my mental health issues. I had planned to get a non hormonal IUD but life happened and while dealing with everything, it got forgotten about. I was feeling better and the topic came up about the possibility of more kids and time frame so, after lots of talking, praying, and more talking we decided that we’d put it in God’s hands. I get his plan and all, but does he REALLY trust me this much?

Changes began happening and in my world, they happen in BIG ways and multiple changes at the same time! Why? I couldn’t begin to explain, but it’s how it’s always been. In the months prior, my husband had been working on going through steps towards an employment change. He wanted something he could be proud of, more time with his family, better opportunities. He was hired on at DOC as a corrections officer and he began to transition from one job to another. He gave his 2 week notice and the day after he did, we were told that my grandmother passed away. He needed to leave work early and was told that was his last day and he wouldn’t be working his last two weeks. WHAT? Then began a rush to change plans and start date for new employment which thankfully was able to happen but still 2 weeks, no income wasn’t good! I didn’t handle my grandmother’s passing well at all and in the midst of all of this we were scheduled to move into a safer, closer to new job home and I had one of the WORST flare ups that left me unable to do anything! Not being able to pick up or care for our son, walk or do much at all, and with so much that needed to be done I wasn’t handling any of it well at all!

New job started, move happened and here we are almost 2 months later and I find myself in the midst of a nightmare I can’t seem to wake from! All that has happened and keeps happening has become a mountain of CRAP I can’t see beyond! Realizing that with this change in jobs would leave a gap with NO health insurance, a substantial pay decrease until he’s able to get certified, and finding my health issues becoming unmanageable! I have always been open about what I deal with but outside of a few personal relationships and this blog I’ve only shared bits and pieces with those in my life. I’ve always felt that I don’t want to burden others with what I deal with, I don’t want anyone feeling “sorry” for me and often feel that if others knew in detail what a mess I was, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me! Not true but try convincing my mind of that! It dawned on me that I NEED to let the people in my life know what’s going on so at least they can try to understand why I am the way that I am and get a better picture instead of bits and pieces that don’t really allow anyone to know how to be there for me.

When we moved I was in the beginning of a major spiral that has only gotten worse and has left me questioning everything, wondering if any of it was ever going to be OK or was I just not meant to be OK? I’ve isolated myself, shut people out and somehow convinced myself that I’m not worth caring about! So sure that by talking about any of it I was just whining, complaining, dwelling, or that I wasn’t grateful and focusing on the good in my life! I really wish there was a simple solution to any of it and that it wasn’t a million things at once trying to drag me down. I’ve fought SO hard to find happiness, live my life, better myself, and I refuse to let what I deal with keep me from being happy and having what I deserve! Fighting battles every moment of every day that make even simple, mundane tasks difficult and exhausting! With a mix of several mental and physical issues going on that I try so hard to manage and live life despite of, I find myself tired of fighting so hard all the time!

Trying to explain to someone, that when my son grabs my leg to pull himself up or reaches out to touch me, climb on me, it causes unbelievable pain is impossible! I guess it’s hard to wrap your mind around a simple touch hurting so much that it feels like someone’s taken a live wire and attached it to my body! I’ve been told that after 9 yrs of chronic pain that I should be used to it by now, I should be able to push past it, ignore it, if only it were that simple! It’s beyond frustrating to try to push past any of it because it affects every part of my being! There’s an injury that tests can see, but beyond that there’s something that isn’t visible, something that doesn’t just impact one part of me, but my entire system! I didn’t understand it for a very long time until I researched and discovered just how many small things I’ve experienced are part of this bigger picture! I’m hypersensitive to smell, sound, touch, taste, and it’s random! I used to believe that I was just OCD about everything when random sounds would just plain irritate me, smelling something no one else smells,  or someone brushing up against me sending me into a panic! Exhaustion from even the smallest of tasks, pain when I eat or drink, upset stomach, migraines, and so much more! It breaks my heart to not be able to be as active as I need to be with my son! To see him just want mommy to hold him, pick him up, or cuddle and ending up in tears because it hurts that much makes me feel like a complete failure! Wasn’t this all the reason I lost weight? To live life, be healthy, be able to be active with my family and friends? Yes, but it doesn’t change or fix what’s already broken and often brings on more pain! Flare ups happen and they subside, this one however is relentless! Just when it seems to be improving, It doesn’t and I’m frustrated beyond words that it’s keeping me from doing what I need to do.

As I’ve shared, the other side of all of this is mental illness. Going into this pregnancy I asked to be put on medication that I researched and spoke to my Drs about with the understanding that at some point, I would want another child and in order to keep mental balance would need to be on during pregnancy. During my first pregnancy, the hormones kept me balanced enough that I didn’t need to be on medication, but after my PPD experience I knew I needed to be on something that would hopefully help me maintain and keep me from another dangerous experience when I got pregnant again. The last month, despite being on medication, I’ve been in a rapid cycling spiral that has come to the point of desperation! Self loathing, wanting to ruin everything good in my life, believing that my husband, son and everyone else would be better off if they didn’t have to deal with me and the mess that comes along with me. Knowing they deserve someone who’s able to be a functional, healthy participant and feeling I can’t be that for them!  Episodes of dissociation where my mind shuts down and there are chunks of time I don’t recall, desperately needing help but not wanting anyone near me, feeling moments of rage and anger and directing them at my husband, refusing to talk to anyone, even those closest to me. Wanting out more than anything else but knowing it’s not an option, is one of the most painful feelings. My husband telling me that he feels like he’s losing me, like I don’t want to keep fighting anymore has me realizing that this is bigger than me, more than I can handle without help. Unlike the other episodes, this is lingering and I’m having a hard time seeing the end. I’ve seriously considered inpatient treatment but I need to be able to take care of our Son while my husband works. Can’t afford time off and those close friends who would help take care of our son, have enough of their own stuff going on.

We all have rough times, bad moods and what not. This is so much more than that! It’s more than pregnancy hormones, a back ache, headache….and it’s hard for me to believe that people understand that! I’ve never been one to bring attention to myself or my “stuff”, but being at a breaking point with nowhere to go, here it is! This isn’t about “look at how many problems I have”, or looking for pity, but rather being COMPLETELY honest about what I deal with on a daily basis and hoping to help those in my life better understand it all! It’s easy to come to conclusions about what it is/isn’t when only part of the picture is seen. It’s not always this big mess and there are plenty of moments of happiness and living life, but right now, this IS what it is and I can’t pretend it’s something else! It’s hard for some to understand why I’m not more social, involved, or why when my husband is with me I seem “normal” but when he’s not I’m different. Explaining why one minute I’m calm and OK and the next I’m hurting, panicked and don’t want to be around people isn’t easy. I’ve been asked why do this or that if I have all this going on, or can’t I just do ___ to fix it? The answer isn’t simple but I wonder what it would mean if I let everything that I’ve been through and everything that I deal with hold me back from being who God’s called me to be. I decided a LONG time ago that despite what I’ve experienced or what I had going on that I wasn’t going to let it define me, keep me from being happy! My life has literally been saved by what some think because of what I deal with I shouldn’t want/have! I keep going every day because I have NO choice and despite what I feel or think of myself there are those that need and WANT me around! If I didn’t have 2 little beings counting on me to be there and a husband who’s fought for 10 yrs to love me through everything, then it would be easy to crawl into a hole and let this consume me! I wish I wasn’t dealing with the mess that I do, but there’s not much I can do to change it. All I can do is continue to hold on to the good and the people who love me despite my many flaws, mistakes, and who will be there through the bad as well as the good! I promised myself I wouldn’t let my children pay for my mess and can’t help but feel like I’m failing and he’s paying for it already in his short 8 months. Feeling like I am unable to give him the mom he deserves and struggling with how all of this will affect him and the baby I’m carrying now. I have to remember that by giving them 100% of what it is that I have, even if I’m not 100%, it’s enough!

This is my reality! It’s messy and often unpleasant, but it’s me! It’s what I deal with every moment of every day, but it doesn’t define me or make me less of a person! It’s VERY real, VERY serious and I pray those that I love are better able to understand it. It’s never easy being vulnerable and letting others see the darkest side of who I am and it’s always been hard for me to reach out for help, but this is bigger than the desire to not have my deepest, darkest side showing! I’m struggling, I’m hurting, and right now I’m not OK! Not sleeping well at all, eating only because another’s life depends on it, getting out of bed only because my family needs me to try to function, I’m beyond worn down! It won’t last forever, I know this, and I pray for something to give that allows me to breathe, and get the rest that I desperately need! I see how this is affecting my husband and it breaks my heart! He hates more than anything to see me hurting and he can’t fix it, make it go away and that kills him! He takes on everything and puts himself on the back burner to focus on taking care of me. He carries more than he should and feels that’s his job to take care of everything, it’s what he’s always done, is supposed to do! I wish I could give him more, be more for him and I hate seeing him internalize and blame himself for things he isn’t responsible for. He doesn’t realize that by him doing what he does and has been doing for the last 10 yrs has literally saved my life! He’s more than he’ll ever understand, he’s my calm, my safe place, the one who’s loved me unconditionally through the worst of the worst when most would run far away! I’m grateful for the life he’s given me and for him always believing in me when I’ve failed to believe in myself! He’s been hurt more than anyone by what I deal with and has been on the receiving end of many episodes of anger, rage, pain, attempts to push him away just to prove that I don’t deserve someone like him. Despite it all, he still chooses to love me and do his best to take care of his family! I didn’t ask for any of this, but I try my best to live life and be happy regardless of any of it and consider myself blessed to have what I have!

They say everything happens for a reason and sometimes I wonder what that reason is and why after everything I’ve overcome, there’s yet another battle to fight! Something I may never understand I guess, but no matter how bad things get, fighting is what I do and that won’t change! Something inside me has always been there that drives me to keep fighting for a better life, for more!

 

This IS normal….isn’t it?

With the many joys of motherhood there’s an often unspoken, shameful period that many women keep quiet about in fear of judgement and others thinking they are bad mothers. We see it in the news all the time stories about moms who snap and do something that we are horrified and sickened by! We all wonder the same thing, how could any mother feel that way and get to the point of harming a child?

Sharing this isn’t easy but it’s my truth, my reality and I struggle with the guilt, shame, feeling like a complete failure and warped human being! I have a history of mental illness including Bipolar disorder, anxiety, PTSD and Depression. I’ve dealt with this all my life but it came to the surface as an adult. Growing up feeling like I was a failure, a screw up, I couldn’t do anything right, I was always messing up, couldn’t pay attention, lied about everything and didn’t really have any confirmation that I was anything better so I believed I was all of it!

As an adult I began to question wether or not there was more to all of it so I asked to be tested. Reading the words on the results the ball of fire in my gut go hotter the more I read. It’s taken years to understand it all and learn how to cope and find some sort of stability while living as normal a life as possible.

When I starting thinking about having children I was confronted with many opinions saying I shouldn’t because i’d pass this on to the child, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I couldn’t let this stop me from at least trying. When I got pregnant I had made the choice to wean off medications because the ones I was taking weren’t safe. It turned out that pregnancy hormones kept me stable but I was concerned about after having the baby.

The first weeks after having him I experienced all the “normal” hormones all women go through and was reassured that this was just the baby blues and my body adjusting. After several weeks I began to feel worse. Wanting to get things managed before they got to a point where I couldn’t function I went to my Dr. After several visits with therapists, psychiatrist what I had worried about was now a very scary reality! I was diagnosed with severe Post Partum Depression.

Let me say this, I love my son more than I can say and know myself well enough to know I would NEVER do anything to hurt him!

The guilt I carry is heartbreaking and bitterly shameful! I wanted to be a mother, I chose this knowing the risks, how could anyone feel like this? I was blessed with this beautiful miracle, how could I ever feel angry, resentful towards such a perfect, innocent being that loves me unconditionally and needs me to take care of him? Noone is as mean to me as I am to myself! I’m brutally mean, hateful and despite knowing the truth that I’m not, in my mind I fail at everything I do, I’ll never be good enough and often believe that the people in my life deserve better than the epic mess that is me.

How do I not hate myself for looking at my child and feeling anger towards him for screaming nonstop?  How can I not want to look at him, hold him, be with him? Feeling disconnected, like I’m not present but instead observing this like an onlooker does a car wreck! Sure I loved him and had moments of the joy that comes with motherhood but overall, I felt this wasn’t happening, why wasn’t I feeling like I was supposed to be feeling? I did what I had to do because he needed me but I felt myself going through the motions, remaining disconnected and distant! I see how natural, blissful, joyous it is for others and I’m convinced I’m failing at motherhood and i’ll never be able to be what he needs and deserves. Getting frustrated to the point of hysterical meltdowns, begging him to stop crying, wanting someone to take him so I don’t have to deal with him. Sounds very selfish of me, especially since I chose this, wanted this as much as I did! Yes, a lot of it’s normal but the intensity of these feelings and thoughts scared me. Here God has trusted me with this child, to care for, love, nurture and guide through life and all I want to do is lock myself in a room for days and forget about all of it. He deserves more than that!

The truth is, as much of a failure as I’m convinced I am….I’m not!  I know this! Why I don’t truly believe it, I don’t know! Maybe it’s the life of negatives, being told I’m not good enough or worthy enough. It’s easier to believe the negative stuff if you hear it enough! I know that I’m flawed but I’m worthy, I make  mistakes, fall on my face and often times it seems that I can do nothing right but none of that defines my worth.

I don’t share a lot about my mental health, the reactions when I do are less than pleasant! The thought that at any moment I could snap and become psycho or that I’m insane and somehow less of a person because of it! Any mental illness like any other medical condition such as diabetes is real and not “just in my head” as some have stated. I lean on my support system, my faith and reminding myself that I’m better than I believe and I know that even though I’ll never be a perfect mother, I was chosen to be his mother and he loves me despite all my flaws.

I sit here tonight with a clarity that like every other hurdle in life, I’ll get through this one and come out stronger because of it! I try to find balance and to really learn to forgive myself for the thoughts and feelings that are negative towards the most amazing blessing. I have to remind myself that I’m human and I’m not a bad person or a bad mother because of feeling the way that I have! I’m not alone! So many women are made to feel like they are bad mothers and they’re not allowed to feel anything but grateful and happy about being a mom! It’s the hardest job anyone ever has to do and with all the amazing things about it come the not so pretty things!

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”

I’m back, continuing my journey through a new me!

So I’ve been away for a while! It’s been a very intense, life shattering several months that have challenged me in every way imaginable! Anyone who knows me knows that I’m brutally hard on myself and often don’t see just how capable I am of doing things beyond my perception of my capabilities!

Among all the insane changes that have happened over the last few years another major change has been added to the mix. Feb. 22, 2012 I became a mother to a perfect, spunky little boy! Sure, I spent the previous 9 months wondering, thinking about how life would be once he was here but nothing prepared me for the shock of reality that came about!

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy for many reasons, I was induced early due to a few complications. I spent weeks experiencing what I thought was labor only to be told “not quite”. Everything I read, learned, knew told me this was it and it became a very emotionally draining time. After what was supposed to be a normal appointment I was told they were going to induce later on that week, but after a visit with the high risk Dr. I was told it was happening NOW! What? Wait a minute, I thought I’d have some time to wrap my mind around what was going to happen and all of a sudden I’m taken to a room, admitted and as I sat there I looked across the room at where they would care for my baby once he was born, trying to picture what that would look like, how I would feel and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with intense anxiety!! Whether or not I thought I could do this, It was happening! The following day at 4:16pm John Lewis Matthews came into this world and nothing was as I expected or thought it would be. The feelings were beyond words and I realized that I just did the single most powerful thing a woman could do!

Here we are 5 months later and It’s been a lot of ups downs, good, not so goods and challenges that test my strength every moment of every day!

My hope for this transition is to share not just the experiences of the last few years but to add the newest experience and share with you the vast spectrum that is my crazy, chaotic, beautiful world! I felt that I needed to regroup and resume this blog as it allows me to not only share my journey but connect with others through the reality that can sometimes leave you feeling isolated and alone!

So, here I am continuing my story, my truth, and my growth as a person!

 

This is my family!

The day my life changed forever!

Loving the Bad with the Good

Self Portrait Challenge! A reminder to not let the negatives in life drag you down! Be nice to yourself, love yourself for who you are. This has always been a challenge for me to love myself whole heartedly, as I am, flaws and all! I’ve been working on stopping the negative auto response when someone tells me something positive about me. Instead of the instant rolling of the eyes and accusing them of just being nice or lying to me, maybe I can accept it as the truth because MAYBE that’s what it is!! It’s hard for me to look in the mirror and like the person I see but in the last few years I’ve actually made myself look at me and it’s starting to happen, noticing the positives instead of the instant find a million and one things I hate about what I see! I may never be able to fix the broken in my brain, the old recordings, programming, but I can stop them and replace them with the truth! The truth is…I’m beautiful, talented, loving, kind, worthy, smart and I deserve every happiness and every wonderful blessing I’ve received in life!
I find it’s natural to pick apart and find every flaw we see when we look at a reflection or picture of ourselves! We even find ones that don’t exist but only in our heads! I’ve begun telling myself one positive every time I pass by my reflection. I’m on the road to loving who I am as a person, flaws and all! I’m not perfect…I’m perfectly imperfect and that’s OK for me! God loves me just as I am and created me to be me and I’m coming to terms with and really starting to find a peace about the version of ME I’m becoming…the BEST version! We’ll never reach perfection and it’s not something we should strive to be! Who wants perfect? What fun would life be if we were all perfect? We are who we are because of the broken, cracked, smudged and glued back together pieces of ourselves! It’s what gives us character, depth, personality and even though we see the flaws we’re still beautiful to more people than we ever realize!

Obsessing over…

Diapers, baby clothes, labor…all the things that are filling my life and my mind as I prepare for the birth of my first child!

Working on…
Remaining calm and trusting my natural ability and confidence in myself to be a good mother!

Thinking about…
The reality that is about to consume my life! I’ve spent years thinking about it, praying for it, hoping, wishing, crying and wondering what it’s going to be like and now that it’s really happening I’m scared out of my mind!
Wondering what it’s going to be like to give birth and what those first moments will reveal about me as a person and his mommy!

Anticipating…
The Big life changes happening! Having a baby, holding him for the first time, looking into his eyes, embracing and taking in every moment of this little life that we’ve created!

Listening to…

Classical music and the dog chewing on a toy

Eating…
Cheese

Wishing…

Wishing the next few weeks will go by smoothly and wishing I could sleep or do anything in a more comfortable manner! Wishing the aching and swelling would go away so I can walk!

Go to her blog and take the challenge! Love yourself and who you are because both the good and the bad side are beautiful!

http://thepapermama.com/

What I do will forever impact and affect someone else!

Another new year is upon us and January is almost over! I’ve spent much of this month reflecting, thinking, observing everything around me. I think about all the resolutions I’ve made and not kept, all the things I’ve wanted to accomplish in the year and haven’t and I’ve finally decided to resolve not to make resolutions! I make them, break them, then go on beating myself up for not doing what I set out to do for whatever reason. It’s occurred to me that shifting my thinking, how I treat myself and others would probably be more productive. Forgiving myself and accepting the fact that I’m human and imperfect but I’m still valuable! As I look at my life and where I am today, where I’ve wanted to be, what I’ve wanted to accomplish it’s become VERY clear that I’m exactly where I should be and I’m OK with that! I’ve noticed I’ve spent far to many years wishing and hoping for a different existence, a better existence. So much so that I’ve missed so much of what was in front of me. It hasn’t been easy but it’s all brought me to where I am now, made me the person I am at this moment and I’m finally starting to really like, maybe even love who that person is!

Anyone who knows me knows that my mind doesn’t operate at normal speed! It’s on overdrive 99.999% of the time with a million different thoughts, feelings, ideas and my husband often comments on how I can cover 10 different subjects in the same conversation switching from one to the next like it’s nothing! I’ve been really trying to stop my brain and take on one thought at a time because I find I get anxious and often become very panicked and overwhelmed and then I over worry about everything! If I take on right now, this moment, things going on in my head one at a time it’s more manageable and I’m able to cope and deal with what’s in front of me so much better!
As I get closer to D day I’ve had a lot on my mind! Although I know it’s VERY real and it is happening I still find myself surprised that I am having a baby! I’ve always watched as others had kids and I’ve held them wishing and praying for one of my own, thinking of how great it would be to be a mom! Now that it’s happening I half expect to wake up from this dream. Why do I have such a hard time believing that these things are actually happening to me? I guess when you spend your life believing such blessings won’t happen that when they do it takes you by surprise. But you know what? I DO deserve this life! I deserve the husband I’ve been blessed with who loves me unconditionally and who’s shown me that I can have and am worth more! I do deserve the happiness that I feel when I look at my life and what I have! I’m really focusing on changing the what if thinking because it doesn’t serve a purpose and keeps me from believing that maybe just maybe things will work out and be OK!
Being faced with a major life change it’s got me really processing my priorities and what matters most in my life. I’ve taken on some big changes over the last two years but none as big as becoming a parent! A change that isn’t about me so much as it is about this life my husband and I are bringing into this world! It’s a HUGE reality to process when you come to realize everything you do from the moment you discover you’re pregnant on will affect someone else for the rest of their life! WOW, no pressure right? Every overwhelming thought, question, doubt, fear, hope, dream you think of and how all of it will impact this little person. I’m no longer just living this life for me! God has given me a bigger purpose, a bigger reason for waking up every day and I realize that every decision I make now I have to think about my son! It’s really got me understanding that I have to pay attention and be aware of what I do because it’s up to me to shape him into the person he’s going to grow up to be. What is it that I want him to learn? How do I want him to treat others? What kind of person do I hope to help him become? Kids are a product of their environment and they learn and absorb everything they see the adults in their life do and those things will stay with them throughout their entire lives! I’ve finally gotten to a place where I’m OK with the fact that I won’t be a perfect parent but I will do my best to be present and be the best mom I can be by giving my son the best of me!
I’ve heard the comment “how can you love someone you’ve never met” from new moms and I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. For me it doesn’t seem so unbelievable that one could love someone so much before they even take their first breath! From the moment I saw those two lines I knew my heart wasn’t mine anymore! Sharing the same space for 9 months, seeing him for the first time, seeing the little flicker and hearing his heartbeat, seeing and feeling him move, kick, reposition, hiccup…..how can I not love him? It’s crazy when I think about how much this little guy has impacted my life already and how much more he’ll impact my life for the rest of my life! I look forward to his first breath, words, steps, and all the firsts he’ll experience in his life! He has no idea how much of a difference he’s already made and is going to make in so many lives! He’s loved beyond words by so many and I’m so grateful and incredibly happy knowing my Son will get to know what unconditional love is, he’ll have people around him who want the best of what life has to offer for him, who will pick him up when he falls and assure him that he’s capable and deserving of the best in life!!

We’re getting down to the final weeks and it seems overnight I’ve gone from looking kinda pregnant to OMG I’m pregnant!!   Drs say everything is good, his growth is right where it should be and we’re planning on a vaginal birth with epidural. As of right now he’s flipped from breech and is now head down getting ready to come! My blood pressure has been perfect so we’re hoping for a stress free and pleasant birthing experience with the reality that it could change in a heartbeat! I trust my Drs and know that they’ll do what’s best for the health and safety of my son and myself! We’re finishing the last of our birthing classes and learning about the stages of labor and some of the things to expect. They go over a lot of different situations because every woman’s different and things happen so being aware of them all is good in case the one you’re planning for ends up being different! You want to be prepared for that possibility! We’ve learned a lot with the books, Cd’s, classes, information and knowledge given!
Physically I’m struggling with a lot of increased pain! Dealing with chronic pain, a back injury, fibromyalgia and other issues I knew what I was in for, just didn’t know it would be like this! All at once, every pregnancy discomfort…I Feel x 10!! I don’t walk anymore, I waddle, I’m up every 2 hours to pee and change positions, and I’m just plain uncomfortable! Regardless of all of this I’m grateful! I’m grateful he’s growing and everything is good with him, when he moves, when I hear his heartbeat, and I’m grateful to be experiencing this blessing! I am aware of and my heart breaks for those who have suffered loss and who have struggled or can’t have children. It’s truly a gift that regardless of how difficult it is I’m incredibly fortunate to be receiving! Never give up hope and know that miracles come in many different pictures! God’s plan is always bigger than our own and his blessings come just when we need them to most!!
What/who has made the biggest, life changing impact in your journey?
I could name a few! God for one! When I allowed God into my life and began my journey of faith I was jaded, bitter and wanted nothing to do with God because of what I was taught and told about him growing up. Since choosing to come to know God I’ve found he’s nothing like they say and everything I’ve ever believed in my heart of hearts he was! He’s impacted my life and shown me grace! That although I’m not perfect, I’m broken, messy, flawed that he still sees me as priceless, valuable, his child!
My husband has made a major impact on my life! When I met him my self esteem was lower than it’s ever been. I had allowed myself to be surrounded by people who hurt me, didn’t have my best interests at heart and I didn’t think much if anything of myself when I met him. Somehow God intercepted and brought us together and in the 9 years we’ve been together he’s patiently worked with me, loved me unconditionally, told me over and over that I’m worth having more, that I can be happy, that all the old programs that play over and over were wrong!! He’s impacted me as a person and has impacted who I’ve become by believing in my power, my worth, my talents, my heart, my ability to affect change in others, help people through my life situations!
There are many others who have impacted my life in one way or another and for them I’m grateful!
Now It’s my turn to impact some one’s life! I get the blessing and privilege to impact my son’s life, to show him what God’s purpose for him is, to teach him his worth, talents, abilities and help him grow into the fine young man I know he’ll become!
I challenge you to make an impact! Change a life, do something, anything to make even the smallest of difference in some one’s life! It can be a hug, a smile, a hello, a word of prayer or encouragement….it doesn’t have to look a certain way! Our value as a human being, as a Child of God changes within us when we see how small acts of LOVE can affect great things!!

34 weeks pregnant bare belly.

34 week belly

I have a choice and I choose…..

I wanted to sit down and catch up with what’s been going on in life since my last blog. I admit it, I’ve been one of those bloggers I though I would never become! One who wrote for a while then  vanished into the unknown, putting the blog on the back burner, ignoring the importance of why I started this blog to begin with!
Well, Here I am admitting this is life and I’ve failed at it for quite a while but I’m somehow getting life back in order, finding my footing and I have a million and 10 thoughts, ideas, experiences that need to be shared so here it is! I’ll try to not overstimulate and dump it all in one post! I’d rather thin it out and have some direction, purpose, reason for each posting!
Leaving off from the last blog I had revealed that Ted and I are expecting our first child! We found out on July 3rd of 2011 and it came as a complete and total shock to both Ted and I! After trying for the most of 9 years with no positive results I had begun to resign that it just wasn’t in the cards for me to be a mother! Maybe it wasn’t in God’s plan! When thinking about that I’d break down and ball because as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mommy, to love a child the way I know a child deserves to be loved, to give the best life possible and to watch them grow up happy, healthy, and safe!!
When I got the two VERY clear pink lines on the First Response test after putting it off for as long as possible, because who was I kidding…I NEVER get a positive test, why would I now? I freaked out, double, triple checked, screamed for my husband who thought I was hurt so he came barreling down the stairs. He comes into the bathroom and I was standing as far away from the counter as I could possibly get (why I don’t know) and asked him to look at the test saying”What is that?”. He did, picked it up, turned around and smiled! “We’re pregnant?”  I said um YEA, read it again, as if this is going to change the outcome right? 6 tests later all of them positive it started to sink in that I was in fact pregnant! I know how it happens but how does it happen for me, when I’m told it would probably never happen because of PCOS, hormone issues, being super morbidly obese, and the fact that I had never ovulated and my uterus had developed a lining far to thick to safely harbor an implanted egg?
Weight loss was our last option before heading into series of drugs and medical interventions to achieve this dream we’ve wanted for SO long!! I had weight loss surgery for a few specific reasons.
1. To be healthy~ I wanted off the two blood pressure medications that still couldn’t keep my blood pressure from being dangerously high. I wanted to be able to breath/sleep without dying! My husband and my friends have told me MANY times I snore VERY loudly and I stop breathing when I sleep which led to a sleep apnea diagnosis. I have suffered from GERD for a VERY long time and was on a high dose of a medication to treat it that wasn’t affective at all!
I wanted to walk without a cane, bathe myself properly, clean myself properly and just be healthy for once in my life!!
2. Have Kids~ I wanted to be healthy enough and have my body respond and function like it should in order for this to happen! All the times in my life I should’ve ended up with a baby, I haven’t and I could never understand why. My weight, pcos, hormone imbalance all kept that dream far far away from me! Reading the research and talking to people who have had weight loss surgery and similar problems with getting pregnant going on to have healthy, full term pregnancies when the odds all told them it wouldn’t happen!! Maybe it would help me too!
3. I was a ticking time bomb! ~ Not realizing just how sick I was and finally getting it that I wasn’t far from an early grave if I didn’t do something NOW!!
It was never so much about being skinny or weighing xxx or fitting into xxx size! Where I was it was more about my health and getting healthy enough to possibly get pregnant and be as healthy as I could be for baby and myself!!
After talking to my Surgeon he gave me clearance to go ahead and start trying to get pregnant. We put it off for Ted’s surgery in April and needed to make sure we were both able to really enjoy this journey instead of making it a chore!
We made some transitions, moved into a smaller place to better live within our means so we could best prepare for baby. Ted got a promotion at work which has really been a blessing! His new district manager adores him and instead of transferring him into the same position at a different store like he had wanted, she decided she wanted him to stay where he’s at but give him more because he’s been an amazing asset to the company for the last 6 yrs and she felt he deserved the change! Sometimes I’m amazed at God’s timing and how he lets things happen that make NO sense to us! In October Ted ended up in the ER with right side pain and had to have his gallbladder removed. It was inflamed, infected and full of stones so after 3 days in the hospital and a week at home recovering he finally got back on his feet. We lost vacation time we had planned to use when the baby gets here but we’ll work something out!
OK, OK…..now about baby!! It’s been a very scary, up and down pregnancy that’s kept us on our toes! My last blog was written just after we found out and as I write this I’m 31 weeks with less than 8 weeks to go! At 8 weeks we went to our first appointments and got an ultrasound and right away you see this lil blob and in the center a flicker which was an amazing thing to see! She turns on the speakers and this strong, amazing rhythm is something you never get over, something that never gets old!

8 weeks

I was sent to a High Risk Maternal Fetal specialist because of a blood clot I had just after my Gastric Bypass surgery and because of my mental health status and the medications I’d been taking for chronic pain.
Had to have blood work done and was told that I have a rare blood clotting abnormality in my genetics that could be fatal for me or baby. This scared me because my younger sister lost twins at 26 weeks because of a blood clotting issue. My Dr. assured me that with extra folic acid and blood thinner injections late in pregnancy and after birth would keep both baby and I safe!
At 12 weeks I had some bleeding which put me in the ER and I was given a Rogham shot because my O- blood type and got another at 28 weeks! They did an ultrasound and baby was fine and VERY active earning it the nickname “monkey”
We’re having a Boy and naming him John Lewis after my father John and Ted’s grandfather Lewis! He wasn’t shy about showing up he was in fact a boy! Ted is completely in love with his lil boy! He’s very involved and over the moon excited about becoming a daddy! His face lights up when he hears his heartbeat, sees ultrasound pictures and feels him move! He talks to my belly a lot and recently the baby has started responding! When Ted talks to him, he starts moving like crazy. We’re starting to prepare our space for his arrival. We put it off for a while because we wanted to be sure we were going to be OK in case something were to happen.
In regards to my mental health issues, it’s been surprisingly well! There was a lot of uncertainty about how pregnancy would affect my bipolar, anxiety, depression, PTSD and how I would respond to not being on medications that manage these issues. I see my therapist once a week who’s been such a great asset in helping me cope with the ups and downs.
I worry about how my mental health and my physical limitations will affect how I am as a mother. I don’t handle some simple stressors and I worry about how I’m going to handle the stress of being a first time new mom! Will depression and anxiety affect how I’m able to function and take care of my son? Physically can I cope with the demands parenting will put on my body? Will the pain I’m in constantly and the meds I need to take damage how capable I am or keep me from being the best mother for him? All these things run through my head! As I get further along in my pregnancy, the pain gets worse to the point I can barely walk, sleeping is broken by pain which then triggers panic and depression. It seems my PTSD has surfaced and is triggering a lot of bad dreams, memories, responses to certain things like music, driving, or anything that is in any way associated with a lifetime of trauma, stress, injury!
Something that hit me like a ton of bricks and caught me off guard was this deep longing for a maternal connection and guidance….something I didn’t have! My mother wasn’t the mother I needed and how do I go to her for maternal guidance when it’s been made clear that she wishes she’d never had kids? Our relationship is beyond damaged and I made a choice that as much as I love my mother, I don’t deserve the conditional love that comes with being part of her life! She’s made the choice and it saddens me that those choices have kept her from having healthy relationships with her kids and now grand kids.
Still, something inside me needed that connection! As I become a mother, I think about the kind of mother I want to be, I’m going to be and how her being or not being a mother will affect how I am with my son! Do I take this new beginning in my life as a step towards trying again to rebuild a relationship with her? Part of me wanted to believe she’s made serious changes and was at a different place in her life and had let go of the past and wanted to be a healthy part of her children’s and grand children’s lives! After an incident with my younger sister it became VERY clear that again whatever changes she had been working towards making meant nothing and she was still hung up on manipulation, control, hurt, guilt…..turning everything into a dramatic “there all against me, everyone wants to hurt me, it’s all their fault” circus! No accountability and turning into the victim she’s very comfortable with being. It broke my heart because not only did it hurt my sister and her kids but again she refuses to allow herself to be genuinely  happy! As I’m considering moving beyond the past, letting go, moving forward so my child and his grandmother can have a relationship I’m saddened that realistically that may never happen!
All this reeling in my mind, I’m flooded with a million thoughts, emotions, fears about what’s to come! Doubting my ability to handle being a mother, will my past issues affect the kind of parent I am, will I be a bad mother because I didn’t have and don’t know what a good mother is like? After talking to some close friends, my therapist, it becomes amazingly CLEAR that I have a choice!! I have a choice to stop the cycle, to be a better parent, to not let my past or the mother I had become my future or the mother I’ll be! I get to choose to be a better parent and I don’t have to allow the cycles and mistakes that have haunted me all my life become the defining factor in my life! I choose to love my son unconditionally, give him the best of me, encourage him, see the best in him, keep him safe, be proactive in his life and raise him knowing he’s smart enough, good enough and no matter what he’s worth EVERYTHING!!
She had a choice! She could’ve chosen to be better, do better for her kids, to let go of the past, break the cycle of dysfunction! She’s taught me a lot about what kind of parent I don’t want to be and what not to do! Will I be perfect? NO! Will I make many many mistakes? Probably! Will I always make the best choices? Probably not….BUT If I do nothing else right I will try my hardest to make sure my Son knows how much he’s loved, wanted, cherished, worth!
I’m overcome by a sense of peace about it! It got pretty bad and I’ve been really worried, terrified that I’m going to fail as a mother, I’m not good enough to be a good mother, I won’t be able to handle it, everything that’s wrong with me will be passed on to him…..and all of this really had me doubting myself!
What if I’m not all these things? What if I am a good mother? What if I can give him what he needs to be healthy and happy? What if he changes my life for the better?
WOW, imagine that…me a good mother? With all the negative affirmations I’ve heard replayed in my mind over and over, I REALLY need to replace those with positive affirmations of truth about who I am as a person, what I’ve accomplished despite my past and others telling I’d never be good enough at anything!

It’s a LOT to process and part of me feels like I’m whining or complaining when I want to share my struggles. I know that those who love me want to help carry these burdens, lighten my emotional load but still part of me feels like I’m intruding or in the way because others have lives, jobs, school, families and their own stuff going on. So, I keep it to myself, share it with my paper journal but I know I need to reach out more! Apparently God thinks I’ll be a good mother! It’s all very surreal and as we get closer everything I’ve seen, read, thought, dreamed about is now about to be my reality and that scares me!

I turned 30 on the 16th which brought a little anxiety but not nearly as much as I thought it would! Looking back through pictures of my late teens and throughout my 20s it was VERY clear how unhappy and sick I was! Going into 30 I feel better than I did my entire 20s and the blessings I have in my life now at 30 I wouldn’t trade for the world! Finally at a place in my life where I’m happy, healthy and everything that I had hoped my life would be is and I couldn’t ask for more! I have a husband who’s my best friend, who takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, shows me what I’m worth and reminds me every day how much I mean to him! I couldn’t ask for a better father for my son and I know that God brought him to me for a reason! He’s going to make an amazing father and will be everything our Son needs and more! I’m a mother about to bring a life into this world! Yea I thought it would’ve happened by now but who am I to question God’s timing? It’s happening at the right time! So in the first year of my 30s I’m healthier than ever and I’m blessed with my own little family! Going places and doing things I’ve never done before! My life has become much richer! It’s not about me anymore! I get to share my love, my life with others who deserve all the love I have to give! The realization that I get to choose what my life becomes is a liberating thing! I’ve been so afraid that I was doomed to be a product of my past, of the cycle that’s plagued my family for so long! I choose what I allow to affect my life and how it affects me! We all have a choice and I’m finally seeing that I deserve more and I’m choosing to be happy, to have more than I’ve settled for!

30 weeks

4D 30 weeks

30th birthday